Scary Movie Review Month:

Today's pick: No Tell Motel: a group of friends are stranded at a haunted hotel.
I'm not too crazy about the name, but I'm willing to give it a chance. Let's hope it works out.

Alrighty, some quick, sepia-toned backstory.
Cute bunny.

Her hair is weird.

Ewww, I don't care what kind of pills they are, I would NOT reach into that toilet, or any toilet for that matter, for them.

What a crappy drive. And what a crappy actor.

Question: how long do flares stay lit? Because I don't they would keep for the hours that they want them to.

Score one for the tough one.

GROSS
How bad do you need that pill?

Well, that's unfortunate and sudden.

You'd think he'd be a bit more... I dunno, sad?

It's never JUST SPORTS

How convenient. Hope you enjoy AIDS

Scariest rocking horse ever.

I. I just can't
I can't really care about most of these people.
They're pretty scummy.
Well, she's not TOO bad. And the other girl's pretty decent. This guy's unconscious, so I can't really tell.

"Tell me everything."
Wait, didn't he just do that?

I've pretty much checked out of this movie.

Score: -1 of 5

Scary Movie Review Month: the one with all the shorts

Today's review is on V/H/S: a group of delinquents, a la Jackass-style, are hired to steal a specific VHS tape  and get more than they bargained for. Lots of found footage abound.
Rented this on Amazon Instant Video since this is only in select theatres.

If this set up is supposed to get me in the mood, it's doing a good job of it: it's getting me in the mood to roll my eyes, call shenanigans and wish all of them dead.

So, magic internet find: camcorder glasses.

Holy tunas, what's wrong with her eyes/face/etc?!

Did she just hiss at him?

Her feet! Is anyone else seeing this?
Why aren't you leaving?

Is she... she is. She's coughing up a hairball.

Now we're in the desert.

What a cute mule! All sleepy and soft.

That's creepy. Like in the movie Big. Which was terrifying. It's going to make you old! Run away!

Take note: do not answer the door when you're in a weird town and there's a creeper just hanging outside.

Nasty toilet breath!

That. was sudden.

Do they all know each other?

She's a bit strange.

So. very. sudden

He's pixels.

"You're all going to die up here." - The Blair Witch Project

"What are you waiting for?" - I Know What You Did Last Summer

"I beat you." -Creepshow
These quotes are from other scary movies and they've all been said in this one short.

I. I don't understand.

Ok, this looks interesting.

This short has promise, but now I can't take it seriously.

Wait what?

So, is this another girl?

Disappearing people?

Adorable costume.

If you're looking for someone, why don't you just call them?

Ok, this one is showing some promise. Some real promise.

That was nice and creepy.

Dude, this. This is. Yes.

Birds out of nowhere!

Why would a cellar seem like a good idea?

Uh oh. That was not a good idea. Chivalry is not such a good idea in this case.

Really?

Score: 3 1/2 out of 5

Scary Movie Month review: study on fear or meat?

Tonight's movie review is Dread: three college students film their studies on fear.

The philosophy of fear? A study of fear?
This Quaid guy looks like a cross between Michael Fassbender and Willem Dafoe.

And THAT'S why you don't go outside and check on creepers sitting on your porch in the middle of the night.

Heh. "I don't think I want to touch the beast." I agree with you completely, my friend.

This movie is really tapping into my love of editing and filming.
Oh, the old days of being a film major.

I'm... wait. Did you just say that they grew cheese? I really need you to get out. Like, of my house. Of everywhere.

Was that really necessary?
 "The thing that gives you the most terror, can come back at any time."

I really think you should have kept taking your meds.

Ow, that was incredibly awkward, embarrassing and sad. I'm kinda irritated with the main character.

Mr. Fassbender/Dafoe sort of walks that line of overacting/bad acting and being a decent actor/human being.

Wow, temper tantrum much? I hope you plan on paying for that.

At this point, I feel like the movie could have ended.
Oh, wait, Quaid had to go and mess up everything and make the cute guy almost poop his pants.

You know what they say about nosy people...
What sense does it make to wander about other peoples' houses, get all up in their personal stuff, move shelves that don't need to be moved and find things you don't need to find?

Ouch. Right in the self esteem.

An hour in and I'm.. dreading the rest. Oh my! The key to the movie: dread.
I feel like I already know what's going to happen and... yup, it's happening.

No. no no nononononoonononnomonononoonononon
I hate bleach!

What a poorly maintained hospital. Flickering lights, really?

I'm going to need you to not
I'm never going to be able to look at a T-bone steak the same again.

Revenge is a dish best served crazy!

Score: 3 out of 5

Paranormal beh...

Got around to watch Paranormal Activity 2, and I've got to say: I was pretty disappointed.

Half of the movie was gone before anything really good happened.
There were a few REALLY good moments at the end.
And a few things in between that put a different spin on the first movie.

Verdict is:
I LOVED the first movie.
I am meh about the second movie.

Three or Ten?

I've got to say: the first part of the movie was more comical than scary.
The opening credits had me questioning if I was watching the same movie I had selected.
But perhaps, that was the point. And by point, I mean theme.

The Eye 3 follows four young friends visiting their other friend's country, bringing the count to five.
Looking for something to do, Chongkwai brings out The 10 Encounters, a book that instructs on ten ways to see spirits.
The original title for The Eye 3 is The Eye 10; 10 for each encounter.

Some of the ten were pretty common, like Ouija boards, to the strange, like sitting in an intersection of sidewalks and bang chopsticks against porcelain plates to feed the spirits.
A few things you should know: make sure you don't have cheap plates and don't pee on ghosts, it's not polite.

About half way through, when things stopped being funny and started to get, kinda, serious, I started to lose interest. Although, the dance off was pretty amusing. And farting is a good tactic against ghosts.

Definitely recommend watching with friends, if just to laugh at the ridiculous reactions and situations these wacky kids get into. Probably wouldn't watch again or recommend otherwise.

Horatio?

USA Films? Oh it's gotta be good! lol

So, I was recommended Session 9 and told that it would be an interesting review.
Not necessarily because it was spooky, but because David Caruso aka Horatio Caine was a main character.

The movie opens with Horatio er... Caruso speaking off camera, which caused me to dissolve into giggles.
However, I snapped myself out of it by reminding myself that I needed to put on my serious reviewer hat on and delved into the movie... with the occasional fangirl giggle here and there.

Session 9 tells the story of an asbestos cleaning crew that wins a bid to clean out an abandoned state hospital. The building is beautiful as it is eerie. The perfect backdrop, if you will.
The perfect backdrop to allow the human psyche to reign. Each person has their own story to tell.... well, not necessarily to tell. Perhaps... show. Each have their own conflicts, trials and tribulations.
Think: reality TV in an abandoned insane asylum.

The title of the movie comes from recorded sessions one of the workers find. Taking a little break from work out of each day, he listens to the tapes, getting more and more unsettled as he goes along.
And eventually, basic evils take apart the team: greed, mullets, parenting, bad taste in music....

And those little breaks become purposeful and long.
And then there's that Horatio tone.
And then things start getting a little weird.

Asbestos is a hell of a thing.

My recommendation is to watch this movie with others for laughs. Not something I would pay for, but would certainly watch. Wasn't quite scary enough for me. But certainly had me thinking.

So... it's not true?

I've heard that it was customary, in olden days gone by, to photograph one's self with the recently departed.
And nowadays, you'll think it's just an odd photograph until realization overcomes you when you notice that there's a dead person in the photo.
The Haunting in Connecticut opens with these photos and the words, "based on the true story."

Haunting starts off with basic human tragedy: a mother driving her cancer-stricken son home from the hospital. The parents (which are an ass of a dad and a strong yet vulnerable mom) discuss moving closer to the hospital and the financial issues that go along with it.
Ten minutes in, that you already begin hearing those noises that my parents had always referred to as, 'the house is just settling.'

Well, that's not really the house settling...

And when the door that wouldn't open before, suddenly opens don't be surprised if there's spooky stuff behind it.

And suddenly, crabs!

And would you PLEASE keep your dead people to yourself!

And the theme that holds all of these together? The human tragedy that started off the movie.
Each deals with their feeling of hopelessness in their own way. And even the dad, despite being an ass, needs a hug and some comfort.... to an extent.
Human tragedy laced with creepy, spooky things. And coughing up goo.

And it's this human tragedy that kept me going, that kept me watching.
And then, I got into it.
And then, I wanted to know what was happening, what was going to happen and how it was going to end.


And all I can say is: how did they not notice the smell.

I recommend this movie for your viewing pleasure. It was certainly interesting. Not go to the theatre interesting. But still pretty interesting.

And I'll let you decide if it's a true story or not.

Did that chair just move?

So, a sore and painful body gives a day off of work and makes conditions excellent to, once again, marathon some scary movies. And because I'm sick and bonelessly sprawled out under a blanket, it makes me more tolerable to terrible movies so I'll actually finish one and have something to write about.

First movie of the day is Death of a Ghost Hunter.

Movies shot in documentary style intrigue me and (in my mind, at least) serves as a sort of countdown.
A countdown to doom or terror or cake... or what-have-you.

Our cast of characters consists of the intellectual ghost hunter, the sexy Latina writer, the cute tech guy and the creepy church girl. They are investigating the Masterson home, which housed tragedy 20 years prior.

- Carter, our intellectual ghost hunter, is our narrator and referee; she keeps everyone from completely flying off the handle and poking fun at the church girl for being.... well, creepy. She also guides us through meatier findings as she's the ghost hunter.

- Collin, our cute tech guy, outfits the house with gadgets and wisecracks for our viewing pleasure. He also works with Yvette to push along the story with general snooping, question asking and normal human interaction. Part one of comic relief and story mover.

- Yvette, our sexy Latina writer, is a reporter from a local newspaper and builds history and insight into everyone. Also, as a reporter, her job is to dig deep into the Mastersons' lives and serves to find things no one else would have found. Part two of comic relief and story mover. These two serve to pull the crew together; without them, Carter and Mary would just keep to themselves and the movie title would be changed to 'Two women keep to themselves and stare off into space.'

- Bringing up the rear: Mary, our creepy church girl, is present to keep the Masterson name clear of false reportings. Mr. Masterson was one of the founding fathers of her church and she doesn't want their name or church pulled through the mud. She also makes sure to be judgmental and preaches about the evils of birth control, coffee and minorities.

As dark, spooky nighttime is conducive to spooky nighttime happenings, the crew sleeps primarily during the day in between viewings of EVP recordings and camera shots.
And, of course, Blair Witch Project shoutouts.
And catfights!
And a stinky bag!

And then we get the full story! And there's a bit extra at the end, an epilogue if you will.

In the end, it's not really a movie I would pay money to watch or have. But it is certainly an entertaining watch.
Thanks, Netflix!