Scary Movie Review Month: conclusion

To bring October (aka Scary Movie Review Month) to a close, I'm going to go back over and give reviews and new scorings to all the movies I watched, including the ones that received the stream of conscious reviews.

The Innkeepers
This was a fun spin on the haunted places schtick. It was subtle and quirky.
7 out of 10

Apartment 143
Jump scares galore. But schizophrenia doesn't cause levitation.
3 out of 10

Episode 50
This was just plain bad. I couldn't bring myself to feel anything for the characters.
1 out of 10

13B
What a strange way to be introduced to Bollywood horror.
4 out of 10

The Descent 2
It wasn't as good as the first one. Which I'm sure is cliche to say. But it was entertaining.
5 out of 10

Catacombs
World's worst sister of the year. All years. But, in the end, they deserved it.
3 out of 10

Dread
This one took too long to get to the real 'meat' of the movie. I felt like the movie was almost over before things actually started happening.
4 out of 10

V/H/S
It had promise, but the execution wasn't as good as it could have been. Thankfully, there's going to be a sequel and they'll get a second chance.
5 out of 10

No Tell Motel
I can't.... I just can't. It's that bad.
-10 out of 10

The Raven
Dark and brooding, gory and foreboding. While I didn't think Cusack looked like Poe, I enjoyed the facade.
7 out of 10

Prometheus
This was an incredibly beautiful feast for the eyes. As well as breathtaking in action and creepiness.
7 out of 10

Paranormal Activity 4
I'm beginning to notice a trend here: I really liked 1 and 3, was disappointed with 2 and slightly disappointed with 4. Which is great, because this means that 5 will be great.
5 out of 10

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
I really enjoyed this one. The video game nerd in me thrived while watching this and really appreciated the hints at Silent Hill Origins and Downpour.
8 out of 10

Scary Movie Review Month: the Raven

Tonight's review is on The Raven, where a madman fan is basing murders on stories written by Edgar Allan Poe.

Nothing more exciting than a high-speed horse and buggy chase.

I'm liking the atmosphere of this 1840s Baltimore.
However, I didn't like the jump from the scene in the bar to the dead girl. I think I know what they were trying to do; it just wasn't done well.

Well, that was gory.

"I despise people that despise me."

Imagination has always been a crime, my friend.

My main issue with John Cusack as Poe is that his(Cusack) head shape is oval and I've always seen him(Poe) as having a heart or circle shape.
That, and he keeps his mouth open too much.

It has been decided that Detective Fields' face is made of veins and wrong.
It's like someone pushed Heath Ledger and Dominic West's faces together. And added a rock.
An angry rock.

I have a sneaking suspicion already about this movie. And I'm going to be grumpy if it turns out to be correct.

There's an absurd amount of yelling in this movie.

Ok, so I was close. It's not quite who I thought it was.

The ending credits are.... terrible. What the hell is this? Sharp, glass, bird thing and then lights?
Just... just no.

Score: 3 3/4 out of 5

Scary Movie Review Month:

Today's pick: No Tell Motel: a group of friends are stranded at a haunted hotel.
I'm not too crazy about the name, but I'm willing to give it a chance. Let's hope it works out.

Alrighty, some quick, sepia-toned backstory.
Cute bunny.

Her hair is weird.

Ewww, I don't care what kind of pills they are, I would NOT reach into that toilet, or any toilet for that matter, for them.

What a crappy drive. And what a crappy actor.

Question: how long do flares stay lit? Because I don't they would keep for the hours that they want them to.

Score one for the tough one.

GROSS
How bad do you need that pill?

Well, that's unfortunate and sudden.

You'd think he'd be a bit more... I dunno, sad?

It's never JUST SPORTS

How convenient. Hope you enjoy AIDS

Scariest rocking horse ever.

I. I just can't
I can't really care about most of these people.
They're pretty scummy.
Well, she's not TOO bad. And the other girl's pretty decent. This guy's unconscious, so I can't really tell.

"Tell me everything."
Wait, didn't he just do that?

I've pretty much checked out of this movie.

Score: -1 of 5

Scary Movie Review Month: the one with all the shorts

Today's review is on V/H/S: a group of delinquents, a la Jackass-style, are hired to steal a specific VHS tape  and get more than they bargained for. Lots of found footage abound.
Rented this on Amazon Instant Video since this is only in select theatres.

If this set up is supposed to get me in the mood, it's doing a good job of it: it's getting me in the mood to roll my eyes, call shenanigans and wish all of them dead.

So, magic internet find: camcorder glasses.

Holy tunas, what's wrong with her eyes/face/etc?!

Did she just hiss at him?

Her feet! Is anyone else seeing this?
Why aren't you leaving?

Is she... she is. She's coughing up a hairball.

Now we're in the desert.

What a cute mule! All sleepy and soft.

That's creepy. Like in the movie Big. Which was terrifying. It's going to make you old! Run away!

Take note: do not answer the door when you're in a weird town and there's a creeper just hanging outside.

Nasty toilet breath!

That. was sudden.

Do they all know each other?

She's a bit strange.

So. very. sudden

He's pixels.

"You're all going to die up here." - The Blair Witch Project

"What are you waiting for?" - I Know What You Did Last Summer

"I beat you." -Creepshow
These quotes are from other scary movies and they've all been said in this one short.

I. I don't understand.

Ok, this looks interesting.

This short has promise, but now I can't take it seriously.

Wait what?

So, is this another girl?

Disappearing people?

Adorable costume.

If you're looking for someone, why don't you just call them?

Ok, this one is showing some promise. Some real promise.

That was nice and creepy.

Dude, this. This is. Yes.

Birds out of nowhere!

Why would a cellar seem like a good idea?

Uh oh. That was not a good idea. Chivalry is not such a good idea in this case.

Really?

Score: 3 1/2 out of 5

Scary Movie Month review: study on fear or meat?

Tonight's movie review is Dread: three college students film their studies on fear.

The philosophy of fear? A study of fear?
This Quaid guy looks like a cross between Michael Fassbender and Willem Dafoe.

And THAT'S why you don't go outside and check on creepers sitting on your porch in the middle of the night.

Heh. "I don't think I want to touch the beast." I agree with you completely, my friend.

This movie is really tapping into my love of editing and filming.
Oh, the old days of being a film major.

I'm... wait. Did you just say that they grew cheese? I really need you to get out. Like, of my house. Of everywhere.

Was that really necessary?
 "The thing that gives you the most terror, can come back at any time."

I really think you should have kept taking your meds.

Ow, that was incredibly awkward, embarrassing and sad. I'm kinda irritated with the main character.

Mr. Fassbender/Dafoe sort of walks that line of overacting/bad acting and being a decent actor/human being.

Wow, temper tantrum much? I hope you plan on paying for that.

At this point, I feel like the movie could have ended.
Oh, wait, Quaid had to go and mess up everything and make the cute guy almost poop his pants.

You know what they say about nosy people...
What sense does it make to wander about other peoples' houses, get all up in their personal stuff, move shelves that don't need to be moved and find things you don't need to find?

Ouch. Right in the self esteem.

An hour in and I'm.. dreading the rest. Oh my! The key to the movie: dread.
I feel like I already know what's going to happen and... yup, it's happening.

No. no no nononononoonononnomonononoonononon
I hate bleach!

What a poorly maintained hospital. Flickering lights, really?

I'm going to need you to not
I'm never going to be able to look at a T-bone steak the same again.

Revenge is a dish best served crazy!

Score: 3 out of 5

In which I skip a day, but do three reviews

I got caught up in all kinds of happenings and forgot to post my review.
So, to make up for I'm posting three reviews!

Catacombs: where a young woman travels to Paris to visit her sister. Shortly after she arrives, they attend a party in the catacombs. The catacombs that are lined with 7 million dead.

That's a lot of pills. No wonder the dog barked at you.

Your sister is Pink, minus her pink hair.
Hell yeah, I'll go shopping in Paris with Pink. Especially if she pays for everything.

No, no that is not a good idea. In no way whatsoever.

Since when is Absinthe not alcohol?

Ok, that's just nasty. I wouldn't want to swim in dead people sewer water either!

Eek!

Wait. Stop breathing so loud!
Of course they're not going to hear you. Only the creeper can!

So, the police raids the place, but doesn't make sure it's completely cleared out?!

Talking louder isn't going to make him understand English any better.

I like this guy: when lost in the catacombs of Paris, what do you do? Build a fire and drink wine.

Owowoww ow! That's going to leave a nasty scar.
You know what, you kinda deserve that.

I did not see that coming.
Ok... they all deserved that.

Score: 1 1/2 out of 5
It's saving grace was a shot of Notre Dame.


The Descent 2: it is now two days after the events of The Descent.

So, I'm guessing that we're at the initial entrance to the cave of scary, blind monster things.
This would tie in with the dead miners we saw in the first one.

Since when are rottweilers used as scent dogs?

Oh yeah, let's use this outdated, rusted elevator thing. It looks really safe and operational.

Rock concert?
I thought rock concerts were all about being metal and screaming and listening to music.
Not wandering underground and screaming and running from monsters.
Next person to ask me to go to a rock concert is getting punched in the face.
This is not my idea of a good time.

Awesome, the camera from the first movie. There, now our new cast is up to speed on things.

What?
Ouch.

Ewww.. don't smell that!
If you taste it, I swear...

Awww.. look! They're coming to rescue you!
Except in an entirely bloody and horrible way.

Huh, he's still alive? I feel like I'm going to be saying this throughout the movie.
Oh, what a dick.

That's the nastiest bridge in the history of everything.
Ever.

And that's the best use of a drill in a horror movie.

Whoa. Wait. No way.
Things are about to get interesting.
Well, more interesting that running away from gross, blind monster things.

Pool party!

Best use of a bobby pin of the year. All years.

Well, that explains the affair question.

Oh, seriously? That's a really dick move.

Wait.. how does one even get onto the police force is you can't aim?
Wait. Was she not supposed to go for the chain?
I don't... ewwww

The monsters seem to be less sound sensitive this time around.
Maybe it's just me, but there seems to be more than enough screaming going around.

Nice symmetry with the first's ending.

Oh no he didn't!

Score: 3 out of 5
Slightly less gore. Slightly less story.


13B: where a new soap opera begins to predict the future of a family.

This is a strange movie.

And THAT'S why I don't drink milk. Well, that and I don't like the way it tastes.

Dude, give up. The lift just hates you. Time for stairs.

Whoa... like The Ring.

I'm curious as to why they say things in English every once in a while.

Uh oh, no good will come out of this.
That's one angry room.

Stairs are good for you.

That's not creepy at all.
I'm sorry to say, but you have a devil house.

And now, a tampon commercial. That's fresh!
Is this musical interlude supposed to represent them having sex?

That's a start dog. He knows what's up.

About time you wised up to your devil apartment.

"Let's pilfer the moon." Actual lyrics from this song.
This is like Full House.
Happiest horror movie ever.

Ouch, to be continued.

This reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode. I think it was a couple and they were stopping in some diner and the radio at the tablet kept predicting the future and they couldn't leave the diner because they were terrified of not knowing what was going to happen.

Man, don't you just hate it when you keep running up the stairs and it turns out that the you've been on the same floor the same time.

Oh, that was funny. You'd expect to be able to break through any window with a chair.

Ok, this has taken a completely different turn than I thought it would.
And the lift finally likes him.

Wait. There's a music video during the end credits.
This is boggling my mind. What does being sexy and things being shiny have to do with scary movies?

Score: 2 1/2 out of 5. There were a lot of things that could have been taken out to save time and keep the movie on track.

Scary Movie Review Month: Day 2

For today's post, I watched Episode 50, which has two paranormal teams with different focuses: one of skeptics and another of believers, getting the assignment of a lifetime.

I picked it because it looked campy and I'm a bit fan of campy.
Also because it had that 'similar to Grave Encounters' feel, which I gave a five out of five, highly recommended recommendation.

So, are there four acknowledged kinds of hauntings? Or is this just for the sake of the movie?

I like that these paranormal inspectors (their designation, no lie) express that they understand haunting and such as part of nature, but something that science can't explain.

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but your fixer upper may be built on an ancient burial ground or something.
So... the ghost hates what they're doing with the place?
The kitchen's got a nice set up, but the dining room could use a bit more creativity. I'm going to have to side with the ghost on this one.

Wait, we don't use all of our brain? I thought it was established that we did.

Ewww... I'm... going to need you to get that looked at.

Gratuitious white text on black background, go!

Why does she constantly look like she's offended by something?
Oh, that's why.

Did he really just say that?
*shudder*
There comes a point where I can't tell if they were going for over the top stereotypes or if they were basing this on a particular person.

Oh that was a perfect kilt joke! Please don't change!

BEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS

Her accent doesn't sound real.

Um... does no one see that?

A line of bees.

Yeah, that's gotta be fake. She just... can she die first?

Just punch him!

Creepy nurse dancer.
I would have preferred not having all of that extra, earlier exposition dancing down the hallway.

With a fork?
Wait... before or after all of her bones were broken?

To be honest, I have no idea what they are arguing about. And I'm not too sure I care.

Oh why do you all of a sudden have an accent now?

Ewww...

Aww... you can save me anytime, Mr. Scottish Dude.

Oh, wow. Did I call it or what?

Did he just say, " I filled her with sin?"
Yes, yes it is all your fault.

Wait, what's going on?
I don't...

Did you, did you really just twist your ankle? That's going to show up later.
Huh, guess not.

I would not go in there.. nevermind.

Oh, look, creeper central.

Uh, yeah, what?
That was confusing. Where did everyone else go?

This gets a two out of five. But only because I'm feeling nice.

Scary Movie Review Month: Day 1

So, I'm kinda back and I'll be posting here on and off.
But since it's Scary Movie Review Month, expect an every other day post throughout October.

I’m starting Scary Movie Review Month with a movie I’ve been looking forward to for a while now:
The Innkeepers: a story about two employees of the Yankee Pedlar Inn trying to reveal the inn's resident ghost during the final weekend of its operation.

The gritty, washed out feel was something that really drew me to his movie as well as the feeling that it was original and quirky take on the usual haunted house story.

I really appreciated the opening credits: simple, white credits against a backdrop of vintage photos of the actual Yankee Pedlar Inn in Connecticut, the inn of The Innkeepers.

The movie is broken up into four parts and the review becomes stream of consciousness at this point.


Chapter One:

I really enjoyed the obvious jump scare at the beginning; those that have already watched this movie know what I’m talking about. It’s something I’ve fallen for before.

Lena Dunham from Tiny Furniture does a great job at being annoying.

The female protagonist, Claire, is so goofy, I love her already.


Chapter Two:

We get some exposition/back story from Claire as she tells the ghost story to a kid staying at the hotel, in true ghost story form… flashlight and all. And here’s the kid's passive-aggressive mom.
You know what? If you’re tired of being the bad guy, then you should just stop being one.

The garbage scene was hilarious! Probably because it’s a situation I’ve found myself in.


Chapter Three:

The innkeepers are drinking Schlitz… how classy.
Ah yes, the best plans are always made when drunk on cheap beer. The best confessions are given in this condition as well.

You know how I’m always yelling about how people keep splitting up/not sticking together?
There’s a reason for that.
I’m just saying…


Epilogue or when I once again ask, “why doesn’t anyone just kick ghosts in the face?”

My final thoughts?
It wasn’t horrid, but not great. I enjoyed it as a story and for the subtle creepiness.

However, that last scene with the faint ghost? Was a bit too subtle. You can barely see it.

Overall, I would recommend this movie to someone that likes the subtle route and doesn't need a lot of payout.



Since I was already on a roll, I watched Apartment 143, a story about a team of parapsychologists trying to figure out why strange and hostile things keep terrorising a family.
This movie was done completely stream of conscious.

It’s got that gritty/docu feel.
The loud noises/disturbances start pretty early in this. There’s no anticipation, lead up or subtlety, just straightforward hostility.
Basically, it’s a polar opposite of what I just watched.
So, this is an extreme haunting… on the verge of trying too hard.

I do like these creepy bits. But not the random spots of slow motion. Or the… bad acting? Script? I can’t tell.

I don’t have much to say about this movie that isn’t… that doesn’t sound like me complaining about certain parts. I’m kinda disappointed.
I was expecting something a bit… more. There's plenty of pay off, but not enough structure to hold it together.

I’m sorry, but schizophrenia doesn’t explain levitation.
I’m just saying.