The dreamy one

I LOVE this dress.
The color, the cut, the floaty flowing dreaminess of it.

via Mod Cloth

I love ogling Mod Cloth.
However, I don't love that too few of their pieces would fit my curvy frame.
According to their size charts, I fit their XL/1X sizes, depending on whether I'm having a chubby day or not.

heehee

Sadly, the above dress' largest size is L. ::pout::

Maybe someday, as I am currently being a lot more determined about losing some weight.
I'm cringing as I'm typing this... but to be perfectly honest, I admit that I am on the other size of 200 pounds.
I've been told that I don't look 200+. I assume it all matters in how and where people carry their weight.
But it's not healthy.

I want it gone. I don't want to see 200 ever again!
I'm not asking to be a size 2 again. I felt so awkward and lanky.
I want size 12... 10 tops!

But at the end of the day... and the beginning and the middle: I'm a girl with polycystic ovarian syndrome.
It's incredibly tough to lose weight when you have PCOS.
I've used medication to lose weight. Medication that I can only take for three to six months without having serious repercussions. So I'm giving it a try again.
I'm going to have to do.. well, you can call it weight management for the rest of my life if I don't want to continue gaining weight.

It's going to be tough.
Wish me luck!

I'm mad as hell....

... and I'm not going to take it anymore!
Literally.

Metformin.
It and I are done. No more. I can't take it anymore. Figuratively and literally.

After my nurse told me to lay off for a week and then restart, I thought, "Alright, maybe this go around will be better."

So, I started taking the pills, again.
I got through the first week alright, again.
I upped the dosage, again.
I did ok until it was near time to up the dosage, again.
Five-ish days into taking two pills, my digestive everything exploded, AGAIN.

I am not pleased....... again.

The Purge

For those of you with weak stomachs, you may not want to read any further.
The following describes graphic pain and wastes of grossness.
Instead I give you this:




Still here?
Alright, for those of you that have a masochistic side, here we go!

Last night started out alright. I had supper, which was two burritos and some fruit and metformin (as it needs to be taken with food).
Then went to study.
When finished, I took the rest of my meds, has some rice, beans and chicken and went to stay at a friend's place, since my bathroom is currently on the fritz.

Around 3 a.m., I awoke with a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach again.
Great, I thought, more pain.
This, however, wouldn't be a reoccurrence of the other night; this would be different. This would be hours long.

In a violent rhapsody of wails, pleading and tears, everything that I had eaten that day was expelled in any and every way possible. For two and a half hours...

At one point, I was puking so hard, I nearly crapped my pants.
Seriously.

I finally got my doctor's nurse on the phone, and after a few back and forths, she suggested I stop for a week, then take one for a week and see how it goes from there...

I'm not exactly pleased with this...

Medication and me

Or, the mysterious case of the sick Rose...


According to Wikipedia, and bolded for importance: Metformin is the most popular anti-diabetic drug in the United States and one of the most prescribed drugs in the country overall, with nearly 35 million prescriptions filled in 2006 for generic metformin alone. It is also used in
the treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome.
When prescribed appropriately, metformin causes few adverse effects-the most
common is gastrointestinal upset-
The most common adverse effect of metformin is gastrointestinal upset, including diarrhea, cramps, nausea, vomiting and increased flatulence; metformin is more commonly associated with gastrointestinal side effects than most other anti-diabetic drugs.
Gastrointestinal upset can cause severe discomfort for patients; it is most common when metformin is first administered, or when the dose is increased. The discomfort can often be avoided by beginning at a low dose (1 to 1.7 grams per day) and increasing the dose gradually. Gastrointestinal upset after prolonged, steady use is less common.

Lies!

I expected and received the common side effects, making me incredibly attractive to be around. :P

However, I didn't expect the severe gastro-whosy-whats-it.

I had been getting long periods of nausea, and had already called my doctor about this; whom hasn't returned my call.. >:(

Sunday, I went to work feeling a bit nauseous, as had become the usual every few days or so. Didn't pay it too much mind throughout the day.
It stuck with me after I got off work and made pasta for supper and the nausea seemed to calm down a bit.
Until, a little after 9 p.m., the nausea was accompanied by pain.
Thinking that it would soon pass, I sat back and tried to relax as much as possible. The pain began to come in waves; so I took deep breaths, as this always works to make me feel better.

Yet, every second that ticked by, the pain got worse and worse.
I tried to focus on the MMO I was playing, to distract myself.
Yet, the pain kept coming on. It got to where I couldn't speak.

I hadn't felt this kind of pain in years and was terrified. I was thinking that my old pains were back! I had to get to the ER.
My ability to even stand was gone.

I was crawling around, gathering up my medications (which is something you should bring with you when visiting a doctor of any sort) and realized: if I can't walk... there's no way I'm going to be able to drive!

To stave off ambulance fees, I called a friend to act as driver.
Yet, instead of taking me to the ER, he took me back to his and forced me to lay down and take my meds.

When the pain had lessened and I was a bit more coherent, he reminded me that since stomach pains are such a nebulous symptom, chances are that the nurse/doctor would just give me some medication to sleep it off.
And that's what I did.

I have yet to find out what it is that's making the medicine mess with me.

I've heard two accounts of others taking the medicine: no problems with one and just nausea with the other.

If pain like that is anything like having birth/contractions, you can take that to someone else! I'll have none of that!

Is this how it's going to be?

It's the pills really....
When my endo doctor told me that I would finally be able to lose weight.... and that all I would have to do is take my meds and follow his advice, I thought, "piece of cake."

Well.... it's a piece of painful cake. Painful, nauseous, exhausted cake.
My new medication listed side effects such as stomach upset, nausea and gas.

How attractive. :/

However, I took this in stride; expecting the first week to be a bit worrisome and for it to stave off as the weeks go by.
This medication is extremely strong, so the doctor prescribed that I take one daily for a week, two daily for a week and finally three daily after that.

The first week went by with no problems. In fact, the meds make me sleepy and coupled with the other meds that also make me sleepy, I wasn't having trouble getting to sleep..... well, more like I would fall into a sort of catatonic state which leads to sleep, but the end result is sleep and that's what matters.

The gas started up at the end of the first week/beginning of the second week. However, I didn't have any meeting this week, so it was quite easy to slip off to the ladies room/outside for less embarrassment.

Two days before I was to begin taking three daily, I woke up completely nauseous. I assumed I was hungry, as I can get sick from going too long without eating. Yet, the act of getting out of bed was a trial. I almost called in sick. For the rest of the day, I was batting back and forth between stomach being pissy and keeping myself close to the ladies room incase my breakfast of lukewarm Cream of Wheat was rejected.
What meals I choked down that day were gooey and soft: Cream of Wheat..... I don't even remember anything else....
I went to sleep hoping that my stomach would be kind the following day.
The next day, I was on the cusp of nausea, yet was able to eat more solid food. I was pretty worried at this point, so I called my endo nurse, who said she would get in contact with the doctor (as he was out that day) and let me know what I was to do....

This was Tuesday. I haven't heard anything back from them.

I was going to study for my Praxis yesterday, since the test is Friday and all, but was too nauseaous to want to leave the couch/bed.

I haven't started taking three daily because I'm afraid I won't be able to eat at all.
This wasn't the way I expected to lose weight. O.o;;


P.S. The pills above are not my current pills. If I remember correctly, they're just a high amount of naproxen that I used to take. This is a photograph from my photography portfolio that was supposed to incite emotions and give a glimpse into states of mind.
The state of mind I was in while taking this photograph was that I thought I took too many pills. Hah, I could laugh at that amount compared to now.

Three times the charm

So, here's my doctor update from my appointment Tuesday afternoon:
My PCOS has caused me to have hardcore insulin resistance. I have three times the amount of insulin hanging out in my bloodstream than there should be.

My insulin sensitivity nearly doesn't exist. except when I get so hungry that I start to shake. Then I'm so sensitive, that there's no more insulin left and I must feed!
This insulin overload is the reason I ballooned from a size 4 to a size 14 in no time. And now struggle to lose one pound.

I'm on a scary rollercoaster who's next stop is diabetes.

My endo doctor prescribed some diabetes medication which will keep the insulin in check and I'll be able to lose weight!

However, I don't want to go back to being a size 4; it was boring. No boobs, no hips, really. XD
I'd much rather a size 10 or 12; I enjoy having curves.
Not only will I be slimmer, I'll be healthy too.

A big downside to this medication is the size. They're like horse pills! I hate taking pills!

What was odd was the printed material on the side of the bottle. It stated that I should wear an ID bracelet while taking this medication.

I was terrified!
The doctor said nothing about that!

I called the pharmacist, who said that only full-fledged diabetics have to wear the ID tag in case they go into a diabetic coma and can't tell people what they are taking.

Another good thing: My symptoms aren't strong enough to warrant a Lupus test.
While I might have it, it's not at a scary stage.

Updates? In my blog?

Off to the endo doctor!
Wish me luck...errr... health!
Will edit later with updates.

Internet doctor....

... means serious bidniz....

So, I was playing web doctor the other day, searching for other ways of PCOS relief besides medication..... and it apparently doesn't exist. Granted, eating healthy and taking exercise helps; but they are nothing without meds. :(

My general doctor subscribes to WebMD and suggested it to me since I insist on playing web doctor. She did it mostly to keep me out of trouble and from hyperventilating over false prognoses.

But yes, as written and told, the best 'medication' for PCOS relief is to lose weight.
However, PCOS ladies can't lose weight without medication. >.<>PCOS occurs when the ovaries don’t make enough hormones for the eggs to fully mature. Instead of releasing a mature egg during ovulation, some of the follicles in the ovaries turn into fluid-filled sacs called cysts. More than six out of every 10 women who have PCOS are also overweight.

Why does polycystic ovary syndrome cause weight gain?

With PCOS, the body has more difficulty using the hormone insulin, which normally helps convert sugars and starches from foods into energy. This condition -- called insulin resistance -- can cause insulin and sugar -- glucose -- to build up in the bloodstream.

High insulin levels increase the production of male hormones called androgens. High androgen levels lead to symptoms such as body hair growth, acne, irregular periods -- and weight gain. Because the weight gain is triggered by male hormones, it is typically in the abdomen. That is where men tend to carry weight. So instead of having a pear shape, women with PCOS have more of an apple shape. (thankfully, I don't have an apple shape, just a big stomach)

What can I do to lose weight if I have polycystic ovary syndrome?

Losing weight not only can help you look better -- it can also make you feel better. When you have PCOS, shedding just 10% of your body weight can bring your periods back to normal. It can also help relieve some of the symptoms of polycystic ovary syndrome.

Weight loss can improve insulin sensitivity. That will reduce your risk of diabetes, heart disease, and other PCOS complications."

The article then goes on to say to visit your doctor, who will prescribe medication and eat healthy. Great, more medication. :(

Well, if it helps, then I can't complain... too much. :P

I'm a size 16 now and I'd like to go back to size 12, or 10 even.
Going to see the endo doctor Tuesday, so cross your fingers and hope these meds are cheap. O.o

BTW: Murmur got altered yesterday and is doing fine.

Fruitier than a Fruit bat

Some of you may already know that I went to look at an apartment yesterday.
It was awesome!
Super tall ceilings, neat little sculpture things where fireplaces used to be, lots of shelves; I was in real estate heaven. It was so quaint and adorable, I wanted to rent it on the spot!
However, the realtor wasn’t sure that water/gas was separate from the fee. And I’m still under my current lease until the end of March.
Yet, it doesn’t hurt to wish.
Will call back Monday to find out info. Perhaps it will still be on the market in March. And perhaps I can save up enough to pay for the extra fees (deposit and such).


Some of you may already know that I had a little breakdown yesterday.
And since this blog also part sounding board for other PCOS sufferers, I thought I would vent a few of my frustrations over yesterday.
While PCOS wasn’t the main assailant in yesterday’s upset, it certainly helped.
Thoughts about how “there is no cure and how it’s really unfair” keep circulating around in my head.
This did nothing but make matters worse.
Sure, PCOS is incurable; but it’s not terminal.
Sure I’ll have to deal with this for the rest of my life; but it could be worse.
Medication is taken to treat the symptoms and aid in my comfort.
It’s not the end of the world. Sure, the world is a difficult place and I don’t really need the added stress.
But just like the poor thing, PCOS gives me character…. crazy, angry character.


I also realized that I said ‘sure’ no less than five times in this post. XD

Sex Kitten

This is Murmur, my deviant cat-child.

Let me tell you a little story about last Friday.... ::does wavy arm motions to signal storytime::

Work wasn't so bad.
I would have been a much better day had I not had a fever throughout most of it. Not that I knew I had a fever, I just knew that I really didn't feel well, but I just assumed that I was tired. Even though everyone was asking me if I was ok, I didn't really pay it any attention.

After work, I planned on grocery shopping and video games. My bestfriend, Manon (who is holding Murmur in the picture), was going to help me because he is my sorta financial advisor and I hate having to lug tons of grocery bags by myself. Once I got over to Manon's house, he took one look at me and told me to go to bed. I thought he was joking, which he then pointed out that I was pale and my eyes were dark (a sure sign that I'm sick in someway).

Then we argued because I was hungry and not tired(or so I thought) and he wanted me to take a nap. So we went to eat at the university's commons (which was ultra disappointing) then I played a few rounds of Crayon Physics (super fun game!) then finally gave in and took a nap.

Manon woke me up a short while later saying that my kitten, Murmur, had gotten loose and that they (he and his roommate) couldn't find her. I remember hissing something violent and incoherent at him. He told me to go back to sleep and that he would take care of it.

I don't remember anything else of Friday. O.o;;

The next morning had consisted of wandering around, looking and calling for Murmur and getting groceries. She's not even a year old yet, so I was still worrying quite a bit, but she was a stray before I took her in, so I wasn't insanely worried.

Come to find out, the little deviant was starting to be in heat. So, when I heard her crying a few days later, I ran outside and plucked her away from the various pimps and johns and were trying to exploit her pristine self.

Now, I'm waiting for her vet visit to roll around so no one has to worry about opening a door around her.

My contradictory life

The endocrinologist appointment was no where near as scary as I was making it out to be.
Though they did take a lot of blood.

Nothing needs to be cut off or taken out.... at least not yet. LOL

The doctor pretty much just confirmed the PCOS and wanted to take more hormone tests to make sure.

Everything we talked about was contradictory..... like my whole life.

Or it's just like a mini-mall.

Malaise

Sorry for the very poor lack of updates. I have no real excuse: lack of motivation mostly; I've been working/thinking up other projects.
That, and lazing about.

So, my endocrinologist appointment draws ever near and my feelings are somewhere between excitement, joy, nervous and fear.
Excitement - maybe I'll finally find out what's wrong with me
Joy - maybe I'll finally find out what's wrong with me
Nervous - maybe I'll finally find out what's wrong with me
Fear - maybe I'll finally find out what's wrong with me

There's two sides to this coin: they'll find out what's wrong and fix it/they'll find out what's wrong and can't fix it.

I'd also like a drop off in the amount of pills I have to take everyday.


My general malaise mostly comes from money..... or the lack there of.
I'm only living in slight comfort because anything that isn't a bill, is being paid with a credit card that's slowly getting maxed out. My eBay and Etsy sales are near non-existent. And my creativity had dropped of dramatically.

:/
But I'm alive, and that's the best I can ask for.

I un-heart my V

Really, I do.
I know that's a no-no for the modern woman. But really, it's starting to piss me off. We are currently not speaking.

Oddness fact: when I'm looking like crap, all I have to do is smile, and everyone wants to talk to me.
I don't understand it.
I'm sweaty on a cool day (thank you malfunctioning endocrine system), my hair is covered by a hat, I threw on the closest clean clothes and I'm at Wal-Mart. Yet, everyone wanted to say 'hello.'

Why?

One guy even said, "Stay sweet."

Do I know you? Who the hell are you?!?! Do you stalk me?

Seriously, it was a bit of an ego boost: I can look like garbage, yet people still want to talk to me and smile.

I do not heart nurses?

Out of my experience, eight out of ten nurses are horrible beast women.

However, this was not the case when I went to the clinic yesterday:
The nurses were fantastic, they even made me laugh. Incredible!

On the downside, I am waiting with breath abated see if my blood results show that I have PCOS. Read about my possible illness here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome.

So yeah, this week is a bit weird..... as well as having my shoes filled with rainwater. :/