NERDS or E3 2010 summary

My good friend, Mr. Cheese, is into video game coverage in a way I can only envy.
I don't have the attention span to go the distance that he does.
But I am lucky. I get to have the coverage summarized for me in his usual wit and prose. And this time, he has consented to me sharing nerdgasms with you.

To bring you up to speed, I give you:
Mr. Toasters Cheese's E3 2010 summary:
(the text has been altered to leave out answers to my goofy questions... unless they're hilarious;
also, lack of punctuation and grammar is kept for realism)

Last year Microsoft showed a bunch of "awesome" first person shooters and then "wowed" everyone with their new Kinect bullshit. They wrapped up by revealing their BRAND NEW CONSOLE which was an Xbox 360 with built in wifi, something it should have had since the start


Will Microsoft be a big of a screw up as they were last year?
Can't really say, no one has revealed what they will be discussing at their conferences really. What is to be expected: more kinect, more HALO, more GEARS OF WAR, more YAWN

Hillarious thing from last year that I hope happens again: when they paused for people to clap, no one clapped

After Microsoft, Electronic Arts will be having their press conference. Last year EA talked about all their SPORTS GAMES (whooooooo) and how you can WATCH OTHER PEOPLE PLAY THEIR GAMES! Just like watching

real sports

Purchase a game just to watch people play the game?

aw-right.

This was followed by a like 5 minute video talking about how people live their lives or some bullshit while talking about Sims 3.

THATS RIGHT, SIMS 3, A GAME THAT WAS OUT OVER A YEAR AGO, IS NOW COMING TO ALL CONSOLES.

The big reveal!!!!!!!!!

ALRIGHT!!!!!!

SIDE NOTE: gametrailier's live E3 stream fail

theres no sound

and yet people are still talking to each other

After EA we're going to have Ubisoft.

Not going to lie, don't remember much of all about Ubisoft's press conference last year. Let me try to piece it together.

The first part was them showing off a bunch of games they showed off at the Microsoft Press Conference earlier that morning.

I almost stopped watching here but I continued.

Rose says: for the good of all of us

I remember seeing the badass trailer to Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. Which only made me want to play the series more, which I finally got to do. I saw a bunch of games they were working on including a Rayman game! Holy crap Rayman!

And then the finished up telling everyone to "beat it" with a live performance of a bunch of people dancing to Michael Jackson's Beat It

At this point Ubisoft was doing best.

Which was kind of sad.

But that's ok, we had Sony coming up, surely they could beat everyone else after the fuck was going on during the morning.

sidenote: lol they randomly showed the wrong camera

some random chick sitting at a desk looking bored as fuck with some guy working on cue cards

Rose says: ::thumbs way up::

SONY E3 2010!!! THIS WAS GOING TO BE SWEET.

The Playstation move. Yeah so it's kind of like the Wiimote but there's this giant huge gay ball on top. It's way more precise than the Wii wihch makes it better. 

Oh but don't notice we have NO MENTIONABLE GAMES for the playstation move yet.

And instead of watching game trailers, lets watch commercials. Yes. Commercials for games that are going to be coming out.

Rose says: >_<

But you know our amazing ad campaign for PS3 that you all seem to like with that comedy dude? Yeah well we found a little kid that's like exactly like him. So we're going to use him for a PSP ad campaign

that we will UNDOUBTEDLY drop after 4 months because no one likes him

Oh hey look it's Gabe Newall from VALVe. Portal 2 and Steam for PS3 is your big announcement? Gigantic fuck you to everyone hoping for Half Life Episode 3.

Trollface.jpg

So what about this year for Sony?

They couldn't fuck up any more than they did last year right?

Rose says: wrong

Oh what about their security? Storing everything on plain text! Nice! Not only did the Sony PSN get hacked, but another sony website got hacked too. Because everything was stoed on PLAIN TEXT YET AGAIN.

They're going to have to pull a lot more out than "hey there's an optional monthly fee for PSN to make it even better"

YEAH BIG FUCKING DEAL, next please

the big N, next day. Nintendo is always on a separate day. Everyone went into Nintendo thinking it would be as bad as the previous years, at least based on the fuck ups from the first day of E3.

Wii Music

xfd

Instead, people were greeted with

Rose says: bees

DONKEY KONG COUNTRY, MARIO, ZELDA SKYWARD SWORD, KIRBY, KID ICARUS, METROID

while not all of these games succeeded as much as they hoped

They hit what the fans wanted from Nintendo. Sequels of all of Nintendo's big things instead of shitty family happy games

Then Nintendo was like lol Nintendo 3DS. It's a 3D game console with no glasses!

And then they revealed a TONNE of more games that people wanted to play on Nintendo consoles and tonnes of games that people would love to play in 3D

What about Nintendo for this year?

The successor to the Wii is supposedly going to be revealed. More powerful than the PS3 or Xbox 360. A lot of promises, but it might not be as good as expected. (It's rumored to have 8 GB of a HDD. uhhh ok)

Nintendo is the biggest to watch right now though.

All Microsoft has is Halo 4, Gears of War 3, and

...........................

...........................

.................................

and Sony has security issues which they probably need to address because just showing a ton of games isn't going to cut it

thats my summary of 2010

and what to expect for 2011

and

FINALLY

my major disappointments

of both 2010 and 2011

the lack of new games

aka

not sequels