Updating frequently

Friday, February 12, 2010

The unbearable lightness of being Rose

To be honest.... I'm glad to see 2009 go.
It was a year of memories, good and ugly.

the Goods of 2009:

This year was dotted with times where I really felt loved:
a bubble bath on Valentine's Day,
a mother's love to help patch-up my broken heart,
a friend's shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent the unfairness of love and life.

After 15 years of wondering, being able to find a lost friend.

Despite great hardship, I saw that I was way stronger than I believed I could be.

Being selected out of seven others and given the chance to work.

the Uglies of 2009:

To start: I wish I could say that I didn't love someone at the expense of loving myself,
I wish I could say that I didn't sacrifice my integrity and personal pride for a job that was soul-sucking,
but I can't.

The end of a seven-year relationship that was two years of love, three years between being content and being taken for granted and two years of being used and finally thrown away.

The end of a job with a horrible environment that came very close to eating my soul and forging a path of substandard living for me to follow.

Being treated as a subhuman and not standing up for myself.

I look toward 2010 with a sense of... well, I don't know. I have no idea what the future may bring; 2010 has already surprised me: snow in Mississippi (again!!); a possible new, additional diagnosis (Rose: now with added crazy!); my first kiss of the new year being from a girl (that's a strange story); after talking with a certain someone (M), feeling my debilitating, hate-filled, looming anger loosen its hold on me, giving me a chance to finally begin to heal; and the surprising, unexpected and uncalled for sweetness of near-total strangers... just to name a few.

A few years ago, I stopped making New Year's resolutions; I would always end up breaking them, getting bored of them or finding them completely ridiculous. However, I plan on making some New Year's.... possibilities:

2010 possibilities:

To try and stick with a three-times-a-week posting schedule (even if it's nothing but trite observations of the day).

After losing 15+ pounds, I want to try and get myself down to a size 10/12. Now that I know that losing weight isn't a complete impossibility (with the help of eating disorders, drugs and intermittent exercise) with my condition, I want to get back to an altered form of my B.C. self (before condition). I want to get back to my B.C. body mass, but keep my hourglass figure... this fat loss plan is going to be bizarre and targeted and I'll be accepting all methods of help... except for liposuction, that's just creepy!

To take more time out to work on my art. My Etsy shop has been pretty lax in having new items in it, I still have tons of photos that I haven't even begun to work on and I can't remember the last time I painted!!

And while I can't stop myself from giving everyone else 110% and leaving nothing to myself, I plan to try and give a little back to myself.

1 comment:

EP said...

This post makes me happy and sad because I know pretty much everything you're talking about for the last year.

The good thing, though, is that 2010 WILL be amazing. And I cannot wait to hear about all the good things happening to you. It just makes me sad that we aren't in the same city anymore to share these triumphs.